The Swearing In of A Therapeutic Space: How to Therapeutically Swear and Fucking Mean it!

As therapists, we are aware of how powerful language is for both healing and harm. We are also appreciative of how limiting language is of human experience. Otto Rank, Sigmund Freud, and Wilfred Bion all theorized that we are born into trauma due in part to not being able to verbalize our initial experiences. Imagine if we had the capability to just exclaim a big “WHAT THE FUCK!?” when we were ripped from our mother’s wombs how cathartic it would have been.

While I was made aware of how important language was throughout my education and training, I received no formal education around the usage of expletives during a therapeutic encounter. I was fortunate enough to have one field supervisor who actually touched on this deficit in education. He noted that he found a lot of catharsis in swearing— especially, a well timed, well enunciated, “Fhhuck.” These F-bombs were sometimes sprinkled into our supervision sessions. I noticed how they made our supervision space feel more genuine and leveled the playing field. We didn’t have to censor ourselves, and I could feel stronger vibrations of how my emotions resonated with my supervisor. There is definitely a vulnerability to being able to swear with others.

Those interactions with my supervisor were pivotal in my growth as a clinician, and allowed me to learn about the intricacies of “use of self” in therapy. So what have I learned since that time? A shit ton.

The Do’s

Be true to yourself.

If you swear in your day-to-day life, you can bring that part of yourself to the table in session too. Growing up near Boston, I feel like I grew up with swearing as a birthright and also as punctuation. Fucking right, guy?!

Be intentional.

Choose how and when you swear, just like you would with any other language you use. As you attune to your patient/client, it is important to pick up on the emotional tone they are setting. While you can wait for the client to initiate swearing, it is also reasonable to take a first stab at this based on content and their tone. You are serving someone who told you they just recently totaled their car in a car accident…Shit! You are serving someone who was just diagnosed with cancer…That is bullshit! Your client hasn’t seen their family since March because of the pandemic…Fuck that.

Take cues to reattune from your client.

I was once in the first session with a client who had been recently diagnosed with a blood cancer right after retiring. As part of us meeting each other and exploring the shock waves he was feeling, I suggested that “This is such bullshit.” He made direct eye contact with me and said, “No, this is FUCKING bullshit.” He was right. That “fuck” was necessary to hit home his emotions.

It is more than just swearing.

Eliciting and using the cursed words with your client can be more than therapeutic. It can also be a form of restoring justice for those who are labeled by society as being “young, angry, and Black.” Or victims of the “Angry Black woman” trope. While this is just a small piece of awareness for practicing therapy multiculturally, it can be important.

I had a devastatingly short relationship with a young Black male (around my age at the time—early 30’s) who was going through difficult treatment for an aggressive blood cancer. He wanted to talk to me because he felt like he was having problems controlling his anger. We both riffed a lot about comics as this was an interest we shared. He saw himself as the Hulk because he wasn’t under any control of himself. While it was almost too “My secret is I am always angry” vibes, we had a big shift in our relationship when I asked him about what it was like feeling angry and Black as he interfaced with healthcare. Together we induced the Hulk (through a lot of swearing in our sessions) without judgement and with purpose. He had every fucking right to be as angry as he was. The beautiful part about it was we were able to get a much better depth for who he was as a person after we realized he didn’t have to struggle with “Hulking out.” We could embrace, hold, and release that anger through descriptive emotional words and a large quantity of “fucks.”

The Don’ts

If you don’t swear normally, don’t push it in session.

Your clients will be able to see right through you. An example of me pushing myself outside of authenticity was when I first started providing therapy as an intern. I was working with teenagers in a residential school setting and I found myself casually swearing throughout sessions. I noticed that I would sometimes say “fuck,” or “shit,” to try and loosen things up and break the ice during my sessions. These kids were wise to me and one actually told me “You talk like you don’t even know how to swear good.” That really fucking hurt my feelings and my ego.

Swearing should be used to emphasize and allow better expression.

If used exclusively, as the full range of expression, it may actually hinder naming of important emotions. For example, something can “really fucking suck,” but that doesn’t mean that identifying whatever that “fucking suck” is isn’t important. It is still important to dig into if grief, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, and fear are a part of that “fucking suck.” The cursing can be a catharsis, or release valve, but doesn’t necessarily help to create space for tough emotions or traumas.

Don’t swear gratuitously.

Not because it would make you a bad person, or make you sound like less of an expert, but because, like with any word, gratuitous use tends to lessen the meaningful impact said word has. I love using “notice” in sessions, but I notice (get it?) that if used too much the mindful intent of that word gets lost and feels more casual. Just as if I used “fuck” too much in sessions it would loose all fucking emphasis and just be another fucking way for me to take a fucking breath, rather than exclaim on how fucked up someone’s fucking situation is.

Don’t dive right in.

With some exceptions, don’t go for F-bombs right out of the gate. A thorough psychosocial assessment and initial rapport building with your client can be helpful in navigating how therapeutic swearing will be. Who knows, they may even give you a dose of their own swear-laced narrative within that first meeting.

I hope that this examination of cursing in session is of benefit to new and seasoned therapists, alike. I also hope that it is eye opening for clients who may be worried about how they censor themselves when first meeting with therapists.

How I Built Me

For this post, I am going to offer an exercise that is rooted in mindfulness and narrative practices. This is an exercise I would offer to someone who is having trouble with self-compassion, or may rely on intellectualization a lot. This exercise can be conducted with a client (as a therapist), or something that can be done on your own. You may even want to record your interview!

The Setup

Have you ever listened to the podcast/radio show How I Built This with Guy Raz? It is a great show where Guy interviews a business mogul about how they established their successful business. He asks his interviewees to speak to their humble beginnings, mistakes made, risks taken, and everything that lead them to where they are now. At the end of the interview he also asks them about what they see for the future of their business. The common thread in all of his interviewees stories are that they have had multiple failed attempts at success. They have taken risks, made mistakes, and have received help and support from a variety of people in their lives. Ultimately, every interviewee gets to speak to their particular resilience. In less than an hour Guy is able to capture how someone built the legacy that they have. How awesome is that?! This concept very much applies to a narrative exercise that can be used for working on our own broader stories.

The Exercise

Envision being interviewed on a podcast about who you are and how you have got to the place that you are in. Right now you might feel that you haven’t really accomplished anything. Maybe you are feeling like you are actively struggling with where you are in life. You may even believe that you are a complete failure. Don’t worry, this exercise is still for you.

These negative beliefs do not necessarily need to be challenged. However, let’s assume that if you are continuing to show up for yourself, even in reading this, that you are resilient and you are a survivor. You are a work in progress (as all of us are). How might you talk about your journey? How did you get built? What is left to be done? What is your next project? Write out, record, or talk out your answers to these interview questions and prompts:

Interview

Tell me a little bit about your upbringing and what your initial interests, drives, hobbies and passions were. Who supported you in these things along the way? What were your first aspirations? Who were your inspirations?
How was your view on life or success formulated growing up? What were you taught was possible for you?
What mistakes, risks, or trouble did you get into? What have these experiences taught you about yourself? What did you learn about life?
What does success mean to you? Choose a couple roles you might speak from (relationship with self, as a partner, child, parent, employee, citizen, or academic) to describe how you became successful, or are noticing success within these roles. Did anything about your previous experiences or risks you took inform you in this success? If you don’t identify as feeling successful, what has allowed you to stay strong enough to continue working on yourself right now?
What is the next step for you in continuing to build the best you? What changes will be made and what would you need to make these changes? Who do you need to connect with for these endeavors?

*Modification

If someone is really struggling with self-worth and self-esteem, try conducting this interview in third-person. (Ie. Jesse grew up..) This can help to access a narrative in a less threatening way.

On Productivity and Balancing Rest

Productivity Fight

I am going to paint you a quick picture of the space I am currently occupying. It took some internal fight to find the productivity to sit at my desk to write. “What’s the point?” has been going through my head a lot recently. It has felt really difficult to focus for a while. As I write this, I also feel my stomach sinking, chest tightening, and tears welling up. This past week I have been feeling stagnant, stuck, unproductive. I have been feeling like I lost that juice or motivation, and I have been, in a lot of ways, wondering why I am not able to power through this. Why can’t I use my own knowledge of mental health to get myself unstuck? I have been posting tweets that I share with the world, but I realize how much I am sending these messages to myself. (Much like how I have also literally been sending texts to myself after completing the daily meditations in my Calm app with the inspirational quote of the day).

The best example of a total self tweet is my 9/9/20 tweet:

“Putting this out there because I definitely need to hear it today. Just a PSA that your worth is not dependent, nor defined by your productivity. That goes for today and everyday! #WednesdayThoughts #selfcare #selflove.”

Also the most apt self Calm app text is definitely:

I truly believe both of these sentiments. However, it is so, so, so, so, so hard to feel that, and allow that compassion to soak into me. I don’t believe I’m alone in this. Many people I work with often report values to me that they, themselves, find a lot of difficulty actually applying to themselves.

Rest versus Recovery

I have been brought up in a culture where a “hard days work,” meant that I come home physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. This was life as I knew it as a medical social worker and therapist. This way of being was also affirmed by our institution and others that I worked with. I would come home at the end of a day and I wouldn’t have much to offer in ways of connection or emotional labor at the house. Weekends were not necessarily for rest, but rather, for recovery. A majority of my career has been a recovery, survival, productivity struggle. When I left the medical world, I thought that some of this mentality would change. It did. My survival mode has transitioned into creativity, my recovery into vitality. Productivity, however, is that beast that is still entrenched deep in me. It threatens to rob me of the other two healthy shifts that I have experienced.

That beast rises up often to question whether I am enough. If and when I can have a down day. If and when I can schedule some “me time,” or allow myself to not work on the business every chance I get. Ironically, I know that sitting down to write this is also me working on my business too, but I will put it on record that I initially sat down with the selfish motive to figure my own self out. The act of sitting down to write was also a convenient reminder to schedule a time with my own therapist. So here it is, an ode to reclaiming what we all need. Rest. How might I reclaim that, you ask?

Finding Balance

Name the productivity beast for what it is —The part of myself that is a shitty manager
Allow myself to feel present with what has been giving me some life during these difficult times. Right now it’s “The Last Dance,” documentary about the Bulls and Michael Jordan. I don’t know why it is giving me so much life, but I am going ahead and going to let myself have it.
Stay connected with my family and friends who are right here for me no matter what condition I am in.
Practice gratitude for what I have, what I have already accomplished, and for being free of an oppressive system that I used to work in. I can change the shitty boss inside of me much easier than a large system.
Get back to relating to my body in a different way. So many feelings and emotions and energy can be stored in our body in different ways. I can’t remember the last time I got some true exercise. I know that I need to feel like I am offering something to the temple that holds me.

Looking for more?

I hope this post finds you in a space where you also could use the self compassion and a dose of humanity being instilled in your life. Feel free to follow me on Twitter @brbhealth. I tweet primarily about mental health and health related issues. There is also a lot of sarcasm and self deprecation tweets.

When it comes to this particular topic, do yourself a favor and follow @thenapministry. The Nap Ministry has many daily doses of offering you ways to practice radical self love and rest. Go on. Get yourself a nap.

Anger: Holding Both – The Power of “And” Part 2

This is the second installment of Holding Both: The Power of And. Please refer to my initial post to read about why I created this series.

For this installment, we will be comparing quotes, wisdom, and thoughts on anger. This isn’t a battle royale of thoughts and people, but rather a way for us to dig deeper into this shared wisdom. In this comparison we are examining whether anger is destructive or constructive. To kick us off, we are going to examine a quote attributed to Buddha..you might be able to guess Buddha’s stance on anger.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

– Buddha

I actually found myself using this quote quite a few times recently in helping some of my clients clarify if they feel like their anger is serving them or not serving them (ie. Does it feel like that coal?). I think any of us who feel like we have been swept away by anger could relate to this quote. Most of the time we feel like the ones assuming the burden of our own anger, especially, if we aren’t able to use it to drive us to some sort of catharsis. Reading this quote, I am reminded of how the anger argument tends to lead towards a conversation on what embracing forgiveness could look like. This is definitely an act for oneself, which will likely be explored in a future post.

“Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame”

– Benjamin Franklin

Ol’ $100 spot may also be aligned with Buddha in his thoughts on anger as well. Have you ever popped off and felt absolutely terrible about it later? Many of us likely have. When anger prevents us from being able to take intention in our actions and leads us to feeling like we have lost control and impulsively explode we are left over with a lot of remorse. Not many feelings are quite as terrible as this. So the shame spiral begins.

So what does all of this mean? Should we restrain, pause and hold onto or fight our anger? Is it purely a destructive force? Well there is probably one thing we can all agree on. Anger doesn’t feel good. I think this is about to get a little bit more complex.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”

– Maya Angelou

Counterpoint to the above blanket statements on anger. I love how Maya differentiates bitterness from anger, especially in the context of society where Black female voices are seen as “angry.” Placed in a pathological light, this differentiation is important. Anger can lead to movement. Anger can lead to needed change. Anger can be the action on our moral compass. Maya also notes that anger can be the catharsis we need to actually feel and complete a necessary emotion to cleanse ourselves of bitterness and toxicity of resentment. If anyone can demonstrate how anger is not only necessary but beautiful, it is Maya Angelou.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”

– Malcolm X

To piggy-back on Maya’s quote, Malcolm speaks more to how anger leads to progress and social change that I also alluded to. Anger serves to prop our ego up, helps to energize and motivate, and can bring power where vulnerability feels like it might crush us. I think we are seeing this anger/outrage a lot in our current political environment and we are seeing the movements that are harnessing anger to institute progress. Anger is a powerful fuel for the engine of change.

“Love implies anger. The man who is angered by nothing cares about nothing.”

—Edward Abbey

Lastly, in support of allowing space for anger as a driving force, this quote speaks so much truth to me. Just as I believe, to love someone or something is to also set ourselves up for pain and vulnerability, it is also an avenue for anger because we are passionate, care, and need to take a stand. It is hard for me to see someone as being fully authentic when they are not able to admit to or express their anger. I truly wonder if someone’s capacity to love is limited if they are unable to express and acknowledge their anger?

So how do we put this all together? Read on with my closing argument:

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”

– Jim Butcher, White Night

This quote is very in line with how I see the nature of anger. It is just like the nature of all emotions. It would be a little too simple to label any emotions as good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. I would also argue that we don’t have control over how, or when they present. All we have control over is our capacity to notice and acknowledge our feelings and choose how we want to engage with them.

This line of thought captures Acceptance and Commitment Therapy philosophy, which I weave into a lot of my work. This quote also captures how bringing in awareness, acknowledgement, and intention can make the biggest difference in determining if the overall experience of an emotion is helpful or unhelpful to us. This quote is a perfect synthesis of the wisdom of both sides of the anger argument. In a lot of ways both sides are true AND context matters (He did it! He referenced his own blog them! We can wrap this up!)

My parting word of wisdom comes in form of another quote:

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain

Pretty much says it all. Be on the lookout for a future post about swearing in therapy and why it’s f*cking great! Also, check out my BRB Video Channel. I will update that as frequently as possible.

A LOVE Letter To My Clients

One of the most influential debates I remember from school was, “Is it okay to love your clients?” I am going to let that sit there for a bit….

Sounds like a pretty loaded question, huh? At first blush, we might feel like that’s too messy of a feeling to be able to allow and would lead to significant concerns with boundaries. Maybe it is first important to clarify what love is. (Cue Haddaway and Night at the Roxbury)

Love as an action and a feeling is complex, but these are some descriptions that I am hoping have some universal applicability:

Webster’s Dictionary’s first definition for love is very apt, “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.” The verb definition “to thrive in,” is also equally apt.

While I could get kind of clinical with what love is, I prefer to stick with some quotes that speak to love. Keep in mind this isn’t an exhaustive or diverse list, but rather quotes that captured the general love I refer to in this specific context. I will likely revisit love in a different way later and capture more diversity and depth with those quotes. Without further ado:

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.”

-Wayne Dyer

This quote really speaks to me as I think of my love for my clients as their therapist. Reminding myself of this definition helps keep in context that I am focused on my client’s definition for wellbeing. I also love the application of this quote because when we consider transference within the therapeutic relationship, a lot of it, I would argue comes from the unconscious insistence that our client satisfies us, or that they look to us to satisfy them.

“Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”

-Carl Jung

Being a psychotherapist himself, it makes sense that his definition of love would have good application to our field. I greatly appreciate how this captures a dynamic in many professional relationships where power can be an issue. While I wouldn’t necessarily say that love can conquer all power differentials, I would argue that truly letting yourself love your client would go a long way to balancing the power differential out.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.

-Thomas Merton

This really resonates with me. I find that I am in my spiritual sanctuary every time I step foot into the counseling space. It is precisely because I know that with some dedication and being open to feeling love for my client, I will be joined in an experience where we get to continue to discover the meaning of life together. This is what makes therapy such an intimate and sacred space.

So by now you can probably see where my argument is going.

It is not only okay to love your client, it’s necessary to do effective therapy. To know someone is to love someone, right? Our clients share their most vulnerable parts with us and allow us to know them in a way that no one else does. If it helps to understand why loving our clients is important, let’s continue to speak to love as being an action rather than just a feeling. Every time we step foot into the therapy room we act as helping, healing, loving agents. How do we do ethical, effective, good therapy? Don’t be afraid to love your client, flaws, strengths, and all.

Below is an acronym I follow to allow myself to love my clients.

L- Listen and Locate

Listen to hear, not to respond. Locate the pain, suffering, joy, or growth that your client is communicating to you. Allow yourself to explore these experiences more and not just assess, diagnose, or intervene with them. Get curious about these experiences with your client.

O- Open Up and Observe

Open up to your clients experiences and create a therapeutic “holding environment” for their emotions, narratives, and being. Cultivate a willingness to be with your client no matter their state or narrative content. Observe the space you take up in the room and how you and your client co-create this space.

V- Validate and Value

A huge part of our job in therapy is to validate the experiences we are hearing, normalize them, and find the humanity within these experiences. In doing so, we value our client, their experiences, and what they hold to be true. Affirming our clients in this way is to love who they are, not just who they want to be.

E- Empathize and Energize

Allow yourself to feel your client’s pain, passion, joy, successes, and losses. Join in this experience and show your empathy to energize your therapeutic connection and relationship. This constitutes the therapeutic alliance and partnership that is needed to seek and work towards a better quality of life for your client. Empathy is the basis of all therapy and love.

The Swearing In of A Therapeutic Space: How to Therapeutically Swear and Fucking Mean it!

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